Things I Don't Get About Airplane Travel

I've been very lucky in my life that I've been able to travel all over the world.  I also frequently fly between DC and the Great State of Ohio to visit my family.  The thing is I hate to fly.  Hate it.  And it's not because I'm scared of airplanes or flying (I do say about 9,000 Hail Mary's during take off but that's the only time I get nervous).  I just hate the other travelers.  I hate them at every stage of flying:

1) At the curb
Drivers turn into morons as they pull up to the curb to unload passengers and suitcases.  They block people in, they almost hit other cars, they almost hit passengers walking by--it is totally unnecessary insanity. 

2) At the Ticket Counter  
Thank God the airlines now let you print out your own boarding pass because back in the day, you used to have to stand in line to get your boarding pass.  I always wondered why the people up at the counter ahead of me were taking so long.  I feel like it never took me more than a minute or two to check in but others would like drape themselves across the counter and have in-depth conversations with the ticket agent.  Save the chat for your therapist.  Now airlines have computer kiosks to do the checking in for you.  I've never seen so many people struggle with a computer.  My nephew Brynn could navigate the computer faster than some of the people who I see pawing at the computer screen like untrained apes. 

3) Security
God help me six pound seven ounce baby Jesus.  I get that there are lots of rules at security, but we all know they exist so how about we plan?  First, let's only bring two items like the rules say.  Let's keep our liquids at the top of our purse or briefcase, so we're not digging through our clothes frantically trying to get the liquids out while annoying the charming, prepared girl standing behind us.  Let's dress appropriately--shoes that slip off easily, no belts, not too many layers.  And let's not hold up the line by saying on the other side of the metal detector/scanner, "Oh, was I supposed to take my liquids/computer out?"  REALLY?!  No, the signs that say you have to apply to everyone else, not you.  Idiot.

4) At the Gate
We all have seats assigned to us.  We're all getting on the plane.  Why oh why are you all in a fight to get on the plane first?  I do not understand the crowd of people who glob around the gate agent waiting for their zone to be called.  Relax, you're getting on the plane.  Grab a scone and a seat.  There isn't a prize for first on board. 

5) On the Plane
It's not very hard to put your luggage in the overhead bin and your one item under the seat in front of you.  The whole process should take roughly fifteen seconds.  Yet some people decide that thing that they have to get out of their luggage is so important it has to come out RIGHT NOW and the other hundred passengers can WAIT.  Asshole, wait until the flight is in air and people aren't trying to get on the plane before you go riffling through your luggage.

Once you're seated, act normally (a running theme of this blog)!  This girl across the aisle from me on my latest flight first of all was huge. If you're too big to fit in a seat, buy two.  (I didn't pay for my whole seat to share 1/3 of it with you.  There, I said it.)  She decided the best place to store her iPod was in her bra.  Just because your chest looks like a shelf, does not make it one.  During the course of the flight she also stored her kindle on her chest.  Then she braced herself against the seat in front of her.  Newsflash: When you grab the seat in front of you, the person sitting in that chair feels it because it moves.  Don't push and pull someone else's seat! 

Finally, recognize when people want to talk to you and when they don't.  Don't force friendship on the person next to you--it scares them. 

Until I am rich enough to fly in my private plane, I still have to fly with all the crazies, so do better people please, for my sake.  Smooches.