The 13 Types of Facebook Posts

Facebook posts can be categorized into different groups. We're all guilty of some combination of these. Admitting a problem is the first step to recovery. here's how I see them breaking down:

The New New Mom: Radio silence. She's elbow deep in dirty diaper and too tired to even reach for her iPhone.

The Not So New Mom: "OMG look at my amazing/cute/smart child," always accompanied by a picture of said child. I always wonder, what ARE your kids doing while you're on Facebook?

The Bride to Be: "67 days until I marry my best friend!!" this girl has a perpetual countdown calendar going, just to make sure everyone knows JUST how blissed out she is.

The Pet Parent: "fido sleeping!" "fido running" " fido at the park!!". This is a version of the not so new mom, except for people who treat their dogs like children. Dog children are more easily bribed with food than people children.

The WannaBe Politico: "I can't believe [ insert obscure politician here] believes he can actually achieve [insert obscure political issue here].". This person is gunning for a spot on Bloomberg. Clearly, Facebook will rocket them to fame.

The Eeyore: "Ugh [insert not that awful occurrence here]. The universe hates me!". If you just read an Eeyore's posts, you would think NOTHING good ever happens to them.

The Stressed Out Student: "OMG two finals, three papers and a presentation until freedom!" accompanied by a photo of Red Bull and a messy desk. Pretty sure screwing around on Facebook isn't getting any of that work done.

The Jetsetter: "here I am! In front of [insert landmark here]". Every week this person is off to a new place, often "relaxing". To that I say, when do you do laundry? And are you just relaxing from your frequent flights?

The Bandwagon Fan: it's playoffs for something and all of the sudden, this person has become THE BIGGEST FAN EVER. Expect nightly pictures at arenas and devastated posts at a loss.

The Liker: This person doesn't post a lot on their own, but just likes everything you - and everyone else - posts. Quite frankly, I love this person because they make me feel extra special.

The Melodramatic Song Lyric-er: This person has a song lyric to make their every rainy day mood, usually from a band you've never heard of. They'll post about 4 lines, in an effort to convey their deep emotions to the universe.

The Name Dropper: "me with [insert pseudo celebrity here]". This conversation name dropper is not unlike the Facebook name dropper. They want to make sure you know that at one time, they touched pseudo fame.

The Failed Networker: "anyone know a company looking for a [insert job description here]. I have a friend who....". Even though Facebook is a "social network" this does not constitute networking. Put in a little face time, friends.