Things I Don't Understand: Self-Serve Coffee

I'm a busy girl.  More often than not, when I'm getting ready in the morning, I don't have time to make my own coffee.  Yes I have both a regular coffee maker and a single-serve hot beverage system, but I would rather take the two minutes it would take to make one cup of coffee and either 1) sleep or 2) have a Britney Jean Spears Dance Party while I'm getting ready.  I also like buying coffee in the city on my way to work.  It makes me feel really cool and like a grown-up (a grown-up who thirty minutes prior danced around not fully dressed to Baby One More Time, but an adult nonetheless).

Here's where we get to the part I don't understand.  So a lot of places I frequent have self-serve coffee.  In theory, you get your coffee faster and you get to fill it just so, so you can make the perfect mix with milk (or half-and-half which I love) and sugar (which I don't add, but if you do, more power to you).  What I don't get is what takes people so flippin long to mix their effing coffee drinks!  It's three ingredients at most: coffee, milk and sugar.  Why are you standing there for five minutes stirring to perfection like some chemist whose concoction may explode if it's not done JUST. RIGHT.  It's coffee people.  Fill it up, mix the goods, and get on with your day.  It should take about 45 seconds.

Seriously people, you're crowding the coffee station, you're keeping me from my precious stay awake juice and you're annoying the crap out of me at 8am.  STOP IT.    

Sh*t We Didn't Care About This Week

Hai Sugars!  How you doin?  We hope everyone had as fantastic a week as we did.  Now let's get to the gossip!!

Prince William Turns 30
Kiki:  This really belongs under the shit we do care about category becuase this prince is some kind of wonderful.  Mmm hmm. 

JanJan: As a present to the future king, I'm going to send him a you-tube video of my best Marilyn Monroe 'Happy Birthday' rendition.  Kate won't mind.

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis Breakup 
JanJan: She doesn't even marry the guy and she might get half his money?! Best Breakup EVER.

Kiki: First Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon break up, then Johnny and Vanessa.  It's almost like long-term relationships without real committment don't work!  I'm shocked!

Congress Holds AG Holder In Comtempt of Congress
Kiki: My favorite part of this is that an ATF operation was named after a shitty Vin Diesel movie that spawned 900 equally shitty sequels. 

JanJan: Pretty certain our AG needs a refresher on what 'separation of powers' means - specifically, not that the branches don't have to talk to each other.

Rielle Hunger Writes a Book
JanJan: She wants her child to know where she came from? An affair with a married man whose wife would later pass away from cancer? Let's all chip in for little hunter's therapy fund now.

Kiki: Rielle, NO ONE CARES if your love with "Johnny" was a true, spiritual, seventh plane of zen love.  Seriously.  No. one. cares. 

SCOTUS Doesn't Rule on Obamacare
Kiki: Yet another week went by where Prince Harry didn't fall in love with me...and that's just as newsworthy.  Call me when something happens.

JanJan: I'm pretty sure Roberts and the gang have the opinion written and are just giggling in their chambers because they can make people wait.

Keep cool sugars! 

It's Warm Outside? I Feel Shocked.

In case you haven't heard, it's hot outside.  Umm...so what?  Why is this all anyone can talk about?  Why are people surprised, IT'S EFFING SUMMER.  It's supposed to be hot in the summer!!  If it was snowing, THEN there would be something to talk about.  But heat?  Come on people.   

This is Washington, DC.  It is known* that DC is built on a swamp.  Now I'm no ecologist but my understanding, based almost primarily on the scene in the Fire Swamp in The Princess Bride, is that swamps are hot, sticky, unpleasant places with rodents of unusual size.  DC's swampiness is a staple of living here, just like tourists, douchebags and monuments.  I don't hear people express surprise at the fact that there are tourists roaming the city.  I don't hear people exclaim, "There are douchebags here?!"  On our morning commute, JanJan and I don't say, "Hey look!  The Washington Monument is out today."  So why is everyone in shock that it's hot?  

I remember from an anthropology class I took about seven years ago that humans as a species are adapted to warm weather.  The professor said, "If you had a choice between being in a frozen tundra for three days without supplies (or a jacket) or being in a hot climate for three days without supplies, which do you think you would survive?"  We'd survive the heat, because that's what our bodies are built for.  We'd get frostbite and die pretty quickly in the cold--much faster than we would in the heat.  My point is we should be excited it's this hot outside because that's what our bodies want!  It's evolution man!  

So please, can we all just cool down the heat talk, find a patio, drink some iced tea or lemonade or beer or whatever, have a popsicle and be grateful there isn't a 24" pile of snow outside?  Thanks.    

*Yes this is a Game of Thrones reference.  I'm a nerd.

Al Roker, NYC Dreamboat

Every morning, I have the Today Show on while I get dressed. So every morning, I get to listen to Ann, Matt, Savannah and Al discuss the must-know news of the day. On any given day this will involve some combination of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, a small child 'beating the odds' and a politician behaving badly.

But this isn't all that NBC deems a critical part of its Today Show magic. No, equally important to the Today Show's luster, is the Today Show plaza where any number of screaming fans are just waiting for ....... Al Roker?

For those of you who may not be familiar with this, Al Roker is a bald, portly, middle aged man who does the weather for the Today Show. And every morning, people from towns with names like Two Horse, One Fish and Normal clamor after him like teenagers (or me) clamoring after Justin Bieber, just hoping that he'll ask them where they're from and why they're in New York on the air.

Look here, if I'm on vacation in NYC, you can bet your bottom dollar I'm not hauling myself out of bed at 6 am to grab a Starbucks and hope my poster has more glitter than the person's next to me so that I'll be on the Today Show for a nanosecond. And you can darn well believe that my posse will not be wearing matching shirts (I'm too scarred from that from family road trips) or any other paraphernalia to get 'recognized'. No, I'm going to do what vacations are for - sleeping, eating good food, drinking good cocktails and staying up past bedtime.

Calm The Eff Down, You're Not Cristiano Ronaldo

Recently I participated in a soccer tournament.  This was the first time I have put on soccer cleats since I was in, oh, fifth or sixth grade.  I did play some pick-up games when I was in Munich and after a few liters of beer, I thought I was pretty good, my complete lack of experience considered (and there is no way all that alcohol influenced my opinion of myself...no way...).  So when my work said they were recruiting players for a soccer team, I jumped on the chance.  They promised this was a fun tournament for charity and that it would be law firms v. businesses.  I guess I figured that the teams would be made up of out-of-shape people who spend their days chained to desks and were looking to have fun. 

Um...I was wrong.  I'm pretty sure these asshats we had to play against confused Germantown, Maryland for Poland or the Ukraine because they were acting like it was Euro 2012 up in there.  Some of the people were in great shape and were great soccer players and I give them all the credit in the world. 

My beef however is with the out-of-shape idiots who thought they were as good as proper soccer players.  There was a goalkeeper who kept attacking people with the ball inside the goal box, ultimately tripping them because he had no coordination.  Asshole thought he was Oli Kahn but I think I saw four people have penalty kicks *because of him*.  Get a grip dude.

Then there was the jerk who ran into me, stopped us from falling over by wrapping me in a bear hug, then apologizing to me while keeping his hand around my waist.  1)  Don't touch me.  2) Apology not accepted.  As I told him, "This is supposed to be for fun.  Relax." 3) DON'T BAD TOUCH ME!

My true venom though is saved for a particular wenus who couldn't keep his balance.  He kept falling all over the ball.  Then while running out of control, he knocked me over, then stomped on my ankle as I was falling, and then ran off without even waiting to see if I was ok.  Again, this tournament was for charity.  You probably should check to make sure the person you just injured is OK--you're not going to score the winning goal.  I screamed at the guy that he was the sort of gentleman who had conjugal relations with his mother then told him to to regain his balance before he attempted soccer again.  I of course used this language. 

Seriously mothereffers, you all need to calm down.  This was a tournament for fun, it was not the EuroCup.  Had it been the EuroCup I would have expected much more attractive men.   

Despite my words with all these idiots, my team ended up winning the sportsmanship award.  You can call me Miss Congeniality from now on. 

My Washington Tea Party

I'm a regular customer at the local Marvelous Market that is literally just around the corner from my office. I stop in every morning without fail for a large coffee and maybe a bottle of water, or some challah bread if I'm feeling crazy.

I like the Marvelous Market. Every morning, the same woman calls out a bright, cheery "Good Morning!" as I pop in and (nearly) every morning she asks me if I want a muffin or a pastry.

This morning, I shook it up a little. I didn't get coffee, I got tea. And a large tea at that. Naturally, I assumed that -as at Starbucks- the cost of two tea bags is built into the price of the large the large tea at MM.

NOT SO, my friends. When I got up to counter after browsing a little bit and deciding against an orange juice, the cashier - the SAME WOMAN who rings up my coffee EVERY MORNING- rang me up for a $4.74 tea.

Yes, my tea cost also as much as a footlong sub from Subway.

When I asked her why (knowing, as a frequent tea drinker that tea in a cardboard cup will usually only put you out about $2), she shrugged her shoulders as if she had no choice and said it was because of my extra tea bag.

You have got to be effing kidding me.

I am accustomed to store proprietors bending over backwards to keep good customers, even if it means letting a 10 cent tea bag go.

For a moment, I thought about dumping my tea all over the counter, Boston Tea Party-style. Now I know how our forefathers felt when those Brits tried to tax their tea! Seeing as I wasn't under cloak of night or wearing Native American garb to conceal myself, I didn't think it would have the same effect.

I paid for my tea and left. But I can still feel those revolutionary stirrings, churning within me with each sip of my overpriced tea.

Road Ragin

Spending more time driving, while giving me more time to listen to my favorites on the Kane Show (Hot 99.5) in the morning, has also given me more time to observe the driving habits of my fellow DC metro area-ers. One thing is for sure. We, as a people, are filled with rage. Take these examples:

Perfectly Acceptable Driving Manuever: Changing lanes in traffic to set up for you exit when you have enough room

Disproportionate Response: changing lanes to speed up, then slow down next to the driver who just changed in front of you solely so you can flick her off and honk your horn (arm waving optional)

Perfectly Acceptable "Driving" Manuever: crossing the crosswalk when you have the pedestrian sign (yes I know this isn't actually driving)

Disproportionate Response: making a left hand turn into the cross walk to block the sauntering pedestrians, then throwing your hands up in exasperation at how slow they are as you rant

Perfectly Acceptable Driving Manuever: driving the speed limit

Disproportionate Response: tailing the driver driving the speed limit, flashing your lights and honking your horn all while screaming at them to get their fat, hooptie civic driving a** out of the way

How do you disproportionately respond?