Recently I participated in a soccer tournament. This was the first time I have put on soccer cleats since I was in, oh, fifth or sixth grade. I did play some pick-up games when I was in Munich and after a few liters of beer, I thought I was pretty good, my complete lack of experience considered (and there is no way all that alcohol influenced my opinion of myself...no way...). So when my work said they were recruiting players for a soccer team, I jumped on the chance. They promised this was a fun tournament for charity and that it would be law firms v. businesses. I guess I figured that the teams would be made up of out-of-shape people who spend their days chained to desks and were looking to have fun.
Um...I was wrong. I'm pretty sure these asshats we had to play against confused Germantown, Maryland for Poland or the Ukraine because they were acting like it was Euro 2012 up in there. Some of the people were in great shape and were great soccer players and I give them all the credit in the world.
My beef however is with the out-of-shape idiots who thought they were as good as proper soccer players. There was a goalkeeper who kept attacking people with the ball inside the goal box, ultimately tripping them because he had no coordination. Asshole thought he was Oli Kahn but I think I saw four people have penalty kicks *because of him*. Get a grip dude.
Then there was the jerk who ran into me, stopped us from falling over by wrapping me in a bear hug, then apologizing to me while keeping his hand around my waist. 1) Don't touch me. 2) Apology not accepted. As I told him, "This is supposed to be for fun. Relax." 3) DON'T BAD TOUCH ME!
My true venom though is saved for a particular wenus who couldn't keep his balance. He kept falling all over the ball. Then while running out of control, he knocked me over, then stomped on my ankle as I was falling, and then ran off without even waiting to see if I was ok. Again, this tournament was for charity. You probably should check to make sure the person you just injured is OK--you're not going to score the winning goal. I screamed at the guy that he was the sort of gentleman who had conjugal relations with his mother then told him to to regain his balance before he attempted soccer again. I of course used this language.
Seriously mothereffers, you all need to calm down. This was a tournament for fun, it was not the EuroCup. Had it been the EuroCup I would have expected much more attractive men.
Despite my words with all these idiots, my team ended up winning the sportsmanship award. You can call me Miss Congeniality from now on.
Showing posts with label be normal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label be normal. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Just Be Normal, Please!
So the other night on the way to class, I hopped on the metro at the Pentagon metro stop and was greeted by some dude’s bent over ass. I’m guessing he was coming back from a run since he was dressed in workout clothes including bright orange running shoes. He must have had a really intense workout because dude needed to stretch. He was doing legit full out runner’s stretches in the metro using the bars and poles for support. I wanted to approach him for a myriad of reasons to tell him: 1) stop stretching on the metro, it’s weird; 2) if you want to do a workout that involves poles and bars, try a power barre class; (I’m obsessed) 3) when you bend just so, I can see your wenus and I really don’t want to see that. Just be normal.
This encounter made me think of people who have absolutely no shame and do things in the wrong place at the wrong time (like changing a diaper at a table). I’m well aware that I’m super type-A and compartmentalize everything in my life, but I don’t think it’s asking too much to ask a dude to do his stretching in the gym or at home, but not on the metro. You look flipping ridiculous!
Another example of my rage at a person’s lack of self-awareness was a few weeks ago when I saw a girl doing her makeup on the metro (the metro is clearly a source of rage for me). Like, why couldn’t she take five minutes at home and do it? Instead I had to watch her over-apply mascara (I timed her, she spent three minutes gooping it on). I wanted to approach her to tell her: 1) stop putting makeup on on the metro; 2) you’re doing it wrong anyway; 3) wake-up earlier and be socially normal! No one else is putting on make-up right now! WTF?!
I used to work for a man who also had zero sense of self-awareness. He was this total new age guy, which is fine. Live and let live is what I say (the caveat to that is that I will be judging you behind your back). It always boggled my mind that he had no problem sitting in lotus position not only in his office chair, but at firm meetings, client meetings, depositions and even at trial. I had to resist the urge to scream at him, “LOOK HOW EVERYONE ELSE IS SITTING AROUND YOU!!!! SIT LIKE THEM!!!”
It’s not that hard to take a look around, see how everyone else is acting, and just pay attention to what they’re doing, or more importantly what they’re not doing (I’m looking at you girl who sits next to me in class eating microwaved fish). It makes my life more comfortable and really, making me comfortable should be everyone’s end goal.
This encounter made me think of people who have absolutely no shame and do things in the wrong place at the wrong time (like changing a diaper at a table). I’m well aware that I’m super type-A and compartmentalize everything in my life, but I don’t think it’s asking too much to ask a dude to do his stretching in the gym or at home, but not on the metro. You look flipping ridiculous!
Another example of my rage at a person’s lack of self-awareness was a few weeks ago when I saw a girl doing her makeup on the metro (the metro is clearly a source of rage for me). Like, why couldn’t she take five minutes at home and do it? Instead I had to watch her over-apply mascara (I timed her, she spent three minutes gooping it on). I wanted to approach her to tell her: 1) stop putting makeup on on the metro; 2) you’re doing it wrong anyway; 3) wake-up earlier and be socially normal! No one else is putting on make-up right now! WTF?!
I used to work for a man who also had zero sense of self-awareness. He was this total new age guy, which is fine. Live and let live is what I say (the caveat to that is that I will be judging you behind your back). It always boggled my mind that he had no problem sitting in lotus position not only in his office chair, but at firm meetings, client meetings, depositions and even at trial. I had to resist the urge to scream at him, “LOOK HOW EVERYONE ELSE IS SITTING AROUND YOU!!!! SIT LIKE THEM!!!”
It’s not that hard to take a look around, see how everyone else is acting, and just pay attention to what they’re doing, or more importantly what they’re not doing (I’m looking at you girl who sits next to me in class eating microwaved fish). It makes my life more comfortable and really, making me comfortable should be everyone’s end goal.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Not To Be A Traitor to my Generation but Grow Up!
Hey all! So sorry for the long pause, it's been an eventful past several months to say the least with job changes, law school, marriage, heartbreak and other life crises. All that means more fodder for the blog!
OK, so, a friend of a friend's friend posted this open letter from McSweeny's. Basically it's a 27 year old who is keeping it classy by boozing it up, puking, falling down stairs drunk and kissing inappropriate partners at inappropriate events and wants you to be OK with it, OK?! As she argues, at least she's not in some lame relationship that requires her to be at Bed Bath and Beyond in the suburbs on the regular. She's perfectly content with acting like a 22 year old at age 27 and you should be ok with it too.
Sorry but this single 27 year old thinks this is horseshit. Sugar, grow the fuck up please. Being a drunk, one-night-stand a week girl apparently standing around naked in the kitchen dipping french bread into olive oil may not make you irresponsible, but it does make you a joke. You're that girl at the bar--old enough to know better but in too much denial to act your age. It's a hop, skip and a jump from being unapologetically immature at 27 to being a 45 year old cougar in a too-small skirt trying to get 21 year old guys to take you home because that's infinitely cooler than raising a child.
This girl laments the fact that her friends in relationships don't party like they're 22, asking, "Do couples suddenly forget?" No, sugar, they grew up. Once upon a time, I used to have sleepovers with my friends while listening to *NSYNC, reading TigerBeat and playing Mall Madness. I'm not shocked that my friends don't want to do this anymore nor do I question whether they forgot how awesome this was. This is because I grew up and learned to appreciate other things.
Life doesn't go from blackout drunk straight to suburban Red Lobster dining. You can still manage to have a lot of fun, go out, dance, drink, flirt, without acting a fool. Life is about maturing, learning lessons and earning respect. Drunkenly falling down all over the place, consistently choosing inappropriate sexual partners, blowing rent money at the bar--all these choices make people lose respect for you. It also demonstrates that you have no respect for yourself at all. So seriously, stop trying to justify your sad self and learn to have some adult fun.
OK, so, a friend of a friend's friend posted this open letter from McSweeny's. Basically it's a 27 year old who is keeping it classy by boozing it up, puking, falling down stairs drunk and kissing inappropriate partners at inappropriate events and wants you to be OK with it, OK?! As she argues, at least she's not in some lame relationship that requires her to be at Bed Bath and Beyond in the suburbs on the regular. She's perfectly content with acting like a 22 year old at age 27 and you should be ok with it too.
Sorry but this single 27 year old thinks this is horseshit. Sugar, grow the fuck up please. Being a drunk, one-night-stand a week girl apparently standing around naked in the kitchen dipping french bread into olive oil may not make you irresponsible, but it does make you a joke. You're that girl at the bar--old enough to know better but in too much denial to act your age. It's a hop, skip and a jump from being unapologetically immature at 27 to being a 45 year old cougar in a too-small skirt trying to get 21 year old guys to take you home because that's infinitely cooler than raising a child.
This girl laments the fact that her friends in relationships don't party like they're 22, asking, "Do couples suddenly forget?" No, sugar, they grew up. Once upon a time, I used to have sleepovers with my friends while listening to *NSYNC, reading TigerBeat and playing Mall Madness. I'm not shocked that my friends don't want to do this anymore nor do I question whether they forgot how awesome this was. This is because I grew up and learned to appreciate other things.
Life doesn't go from blackout drunk straight to suburban Red Lobster dining. You can still manage to have a lot of fun, go out, dance, drink, flirt, without acting a fool. Life is about maturing, learning lessons and earning respect. Drunkenly falling down all over the place, consistently choosing inappropriate sexual partners, blowing rent money at the bar--all these choices make people lose respect for you. It also demonstrates that you have no respect for yourself at all. So seriously, stop trying to justify your sad self and learn to have some adult fun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)