Recently I participated in a soccer tournament. This was the first time I have put on soccer cleats since I was in, oh, fifth or sixth grade. I did play some pick-up games when I was in Munich and after a few liters of beer, I thought I was pretty good, my complete lack of experience considered (and there is no way all that alcohol influenced my opinion of myself...no way...). So when my work said they were recruiting players for a soccer team, I jumped on the chance. They promised this was a fun tournament for charity and that it would be law firms v. businesses. I guess I figured that the teams would be made up of out-of-shape people who spend their days chained to desks and were looking to have fun.
Um...I was wrong. I'm pretty sure these asshats we had to play against confused Germantown, Maryland for Poland or the Ukraine because they were acting like it was Euro 2012 up in there. Some of the people were in great shape and were great soccer players and I give them all the credit in the world.
My beef however is with the out-of-shape idiots who thought they were as good as proper soccer players. There was a goalkeeper who kept attacking people with the ball inside the goal box, ultimately tripping them because he had no coordination. Asshole thought he was Oli Kahn but I think I saw four people have penalty kicks *because of him*. Get a grip dude.
Then there was the jerk who ran into me, stopped us from falling over by wrapping me in a bear hug, then apologizing to me while keeping his hand around my waist. 1) Don't touch me. 2) Apology not accepted. As I told him, "This is supposed to be for fun. Relax." 3) DON'T BAD TOUCH ME!
My true venom though is saved for a particular wenus who couldn't keep his balance. He kept falling all over the ball. Then while running out of control, he knocked me over, then stomped on my ankle as I was falling, and then ran off without even waiting to see if I was ok. Again, this tournament was for charity. You probably should check to make sure the person you just injured is OK--you're not going to score the winning goal. I screamed at the guy that he was the sort of gentleman who had conjugal relations with his mother then told him to to regain his balance before he attempted soccer again. I of course used this language.
Seriously mothereffers, you all need to calm down. This was a tournament for fun, it was not the EuroCup. Had it been the EuroCup I would have expected much more attractive men.
Despite my words with all these idiots, my team ended up winning the sportsmanship award. You can call me Miss Congeniality from now on.
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