I Don't Want To Be A Traitor To My Gender and All: Tunic Tops

Ladies, I can't believe we have to have this conversation, but here it goes.  Tunic tops are not dresses.  They're just long shirts.  They need pants to go with them.  Do I totally get the thrill of not wearing pants?  Yes.  My routine the past week when I've gotten home has been Olympics on, pants off.  But that's in the privacy of my own home!  Where I live alone! 

I am shocked at the number of girls I see in the metro at 7:30am who forgot to put their pants on!  Where are they going?  Hopefully to the pants store to get some pants!  I can't think of anywhere where going pantsless is an option, unless you're a stripper.  If you're a stripper heading to work at 7:30am, then my guess is you're not a very good one if you get stuck with that shift.  Even so, Team USA Gymnastics puts on pants as they go from event to event, so I feel like you could wear pants on your way to the strip club as well.  

I just don't understand how a person can put on a top, see that it barely covers one's ass, and think, "Yes.  This is my look for today, off I go."  You're not Lady Gaga!  If you're walking up the escalator in the metro and you have to use a newspaper to cover your rear end, as a girl a few days ago did in front of me, it's pretty clear to me you've forgotten your pants.

So ladies, repeat after me: If the shirt my ass doth bare, then pants I must wear. 

Things I Don't Understand: Self-Serve Coffee

I'm a busy girl.  More often than not, when I'm getting ready in the morning, I don't have time to make my own coffee.  Yes I have both a regular coffee maker and a single-serve hot beverage system, but I would rather take the two minutes it would take to make one cup of coffee and either 1) sleep or 2) have a Britney Jean Spears Dance Party while I'm getting ready.  I also like buying coffee in the city on my way to work.  It makes me feel really cool and like a grown-up (a grown-up who thirty minutes prior danced around not fully dressed to Baby One More Time, but an adult nonetheless).

Here's where we get to the part I don't understand.  So a lot of places I frequent have self-serve coffee.  In theory, you get your coffee faster and you get to fill it just so, so you can make the perfect mix with milk (or half-and-half which I love) and sugar (which I don't add, but if you do, more power to you).  What I don't get is what takes people so flippin long to mix their effing coffee drinks!  It's three ingredients at most: coffee, milk and sugar.  Why are you standing there for five minutes stirring to perfection like some chemist whose concoction may explode if it's not done JUST. RIGHT.  It's coffee people.  Fill it up, mix the goods, and get on with your day.  It should take about 45 seconds.

Seriously people, you're crowding the coffee station, you're keeping me from my precious stay awake juice and you're annoying the crap out of me at 8am.  STOP IT.    

Things I Don't Understand: Prescription Drug Commercials

Something I've always wondered is where does a person have to be in his or her acting career to agree to do a prescription drug commercial?  I get that it's nationwide exposure and that's great for the actor, but for some, it's nationwide exposure for pretending to have erectile dysfunction. 

This question really started plaguing me when I saw a commercial for some prescription acne commercial.  It's a bunch of teenagers who have zits doodled all over their face.  How do you ever live that down?  "Yeah I'm an actor."  "Have I seen you in anything?"  "Yeah, a commercial for a raging case of acne."  Not exactly future oscar winners. 

Depression commercials?  I feel like all their friends hid the sharp objects in the house as soon as they saw them in the depression commercials where everything is gray and it's always raining outside. 

Even worse are the ones for lady part or man part issues.  For women, they all have to look smug and content to be struggling with a case of herpes or PMS.  For guys, apparently once their ED is taken care of, they regain the ability to go fishing and then take their wives out dancing.  Because ED prevents all that. 

What takes the cake for me recently though are then ones for what's known as "stool softeners."  Dear actor:  you're in a commercial about poo.  Congratulations, you've arrived! 

Seriously, I just don't get it.