Ok ladies, it’s time for us to have a sit down. Our tradition of throwing showers for each other for our weddings and our babies has spiraled out of control. They’ve taken a turn from what I imagine was once pleasant, to obligatory but tolerable to creepy and painful. Allow me to explain.
First, I just do not understand the point of wedding showers. I’ve attended them, I’ve thrown them for friends (and I’m more than happy to throw them because then I can ensure the booze is quality and plentiful and absolutely no games are played) but the idea of getting a bunch of women in a room to “ooh” and “ahh” over crystal and placemats is bizarre to me. Seriously, the purpose of the party is to sit around and watch a friend of yours open gifts. Woo. Of late, some couples are trying to cure the boredom of a wedding shower by throwing a co-ed shower. I’ll give props for the creative thinking; Lord knows I love me a cocktail party. The point however, is still the same: watching people open dishware. Only now you’ve thrown disinterested men into the mix. As I was told earlier this year, “Don’t make a guy feign interest in a china setting because it will be painfully obvious he doesn’t give a shit.” Can we all agree right now instead just to get together for some drinks, throw some gifts in the couple’s car and just enjoy each other’s company and a karaoke machine (I’m just going to throw that out there—it makes a party happen)?
Second, ladies, why oh why do we play games at these showers? The games are lame. End of story. It is not my idea of a good time to play “How Well Does the Bride Know Her Groom?” I don’t care. Obviously she knows him well enough to be marrying the guy, why must we turn it into a game to win handsoap? Don’t get me started on “Toilet Paper Bride.” The name alone is gross. Guys, just so you can get a glimpse into how crazy women really are, the game involves us dividing into teams, picking someone to be the bride, then we dress that poor woman in toilet paper creating a dress. She then has to model that dress and the actual bride picks her favorite. It’s a cruel game of torture and humility and usually has me scavenging for the last bottle of champagne to I can tolerate this nonsense. Baby showers are even worse! The worst offender there is the “Poopy Diaper Game.” Yes, our gender plays a game called Poopy Diaper (BTW, woman who invented this game, if I ever meet you, you probably have a bitch slap coming your way). You melt different candy bars into diapers, then women go around examining the diaper and guess which candy bar is which. Seriously. This is an actual game women play. LADIES!!!!! THE MADNESS MUST STOP!!! THESE GAMES ARE EMPHATICALLY NOT FUN THEY’RE GROSS!
Speaking of gross, we have to talk about lingerie parties. Some genius decided that the way to make a bridal shower fun was instead of giving the bride useful gifts, like a waffle maker, it was a good idea to have all the women at the shower buy the bride lingerie. Then of course we all have to sit around and “ooh” and “ahh” over lingerie. That the bride will wear. On her honeymoon. Listen sisters, I just don’t want to know what kind of lingerie you’re wearing. That knowledge belongs firmly in the “TMI” category. And if I don’t want to know what kind of lingerie you’re wearing, I certainly don’t want to buy this lingerie for you (this is why my recent purchases for these parties have included grandma pajamas with showercaps). I also then don’t want to be in a room full of sex-starved women all ogling over these outfits. It crosses all sorts of boundaries I’d rather respect.
Finally, along the lines of cross boundaries, I have to spend a few lines talking about the worst offender of them all. The sex toy party. Ladies, please, no. We don’t need to get together in a room and have a “sexually liberated” woman hawk us products en masse. God invented the Internet to keep purchases like these private. Seriously sugar, you can have a whole arsenal of amusements and I applaud you for it. I just don’t need to hear about every toy in existence described in detail, see women giggle with each other over these toys, talk about which ones they are going to buy and then buy said toys. To quote Cleveland, “That’s nasty.”
In conclusion, it does not say RSVP on the Statute of Liberty! No for real, in conclusion, ladies, can we please get a grip and just throw regular parties without a gimmick that everyone will enjoy? We’re better than this.
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