Ten Rules for Tourists

1.  Avoid travelling on the Metro during rush hour. 

Tourists, you are on vacation, why are you on the metro, ready and raring to go at 8:00 a.m. with all the other commuters?  I understand you want to get the most out of your vacation, but I’d also like to get to work without being crammed in a train car, sandwiched inbetween Joe from North Dakota who’s sweating profusely because of the humidity and Cindy Loo from Texas who’s texting pictures of the train back to her boyfriend.  Sleep in for a hour.  Then go see the city.  I’ll be happier, and so will you. 

                2.  When travelling on Metro, please keep your children under control. 

Holy Hannah.  Once those kids hit the Metro, they think they’re in Disneyland and the handlebars magically turn into jungle gyms.  And once they’ve worn themselves out from their play, those kids sprawl all over the Metro seats like it’s the couch back in Miller, Iowa.  It’s not cute.  They’re in the way.  Hold their hand and sit them in your laps.  And if they talk/scream/make noise, quiet them down.  Some of us have had very long days. 

                 3.      The Metro is not a horse and buggy. 

I hear it at least 6 six times a day - “WOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH” just as the Metro lurches forward or stops in its tracks.  We all get it.  The Metro doesn’t have a nice easy flow to it.  But guess what – that train conductor, s/he’s a real person and hitting those tracks are not horse hoofs, but wheels connected to motors.  Yelling out “WOAAAAAAAAAAAH” isn’t going to slow the train down. 

                  4.      Never stand on the left side of the escalator.

This is a mortal sin in this city.  While you’re taking a nice, easy ride down to the monuments, I’m running into work. My morning routine is down to an exact science and you’re wasting my time.  Don’t make me yell at you before I’d had my coffee.   

                 5.      Dress appropriately. 

Look, I’m not asking for a suit and tie here.  You’re on vacation (in a swampland in summer, nonetheless).  But those Tevas, cutoff shorts that show your derriere and ripped tshirts don’t exactly scream “I’m about to go see a monument to some of the greatest men and women in our country’s history.”  There’s a lot in between there – how about a casual sundress for the ladies, and perhaps some nice shorts and a golf shirt for the gents.  Just try it.  You’ll like it.    

                  6.      Do not hold the Metro doors open.

The Metro is not an elevator.  The doors will not stay open because you REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to see Smithsonian Air and Space Museum and you have to see it ON THIS TRAIN.  Look, buddy.  It’s simple.  If you hold the doors open so your whole posse from Indiana or wherever you’re from can make it on the train THE TRAIN WILL BREAK.  We will all have to get off and I will not be a happy person.  And nobody wants to see that. 

                  7.      The Map.

For those of you who haven’t seen this yet, the Metro map is about as large as humanly possible.  And they are all over the Metro stations.  Before you buy cards.  While waiting for the train.  In the train.  In the pamphlet that your Holiday Inn gave you with your continental breakfast.  I really don’t think you need to press your nose to the glass to see where you’re going and run your clearly unwashed hand along the lines to count your stops. 

                  8.      KEEP. MOVING.

Believe me, I understand being in a strange city and not knowing where you are.  But it does not help anyone for you to come to a dead halt (again, with your whole posse from Indiana) to figure out where you are, particularly if you’ve just gotten off a train car at rush hour (see topic #1) or if you’re right outside a Starbucks between the hours of 8am and 10am.  I need to keep moving, along with the rest of this city.  Plain and simple. 

                 9.      Farecards:  Plain and Simple. 

For some reason, using a farecard seems to elude many of the people that come to visit my fair city every year.  Not only do they not understand how to use machine to purchase it, but they’re also completely lost when it comes to actually using the card to get on the train.  It’s really quite easy.  Have your card ready to enter AND exit the gate.  That’s how the machine knows how much to charge you.  And again, if you need to fumble for your farecard (which, while I do not condone, I understand will happen from time to time) move off to the side until you find it so other people can pass by.  Not difficult.  Just common sense. 

                 10.  Pentagon City Mall is Not a Tourist Attraction.

I happen to frequent Pentagon City Mall from time to time and am constantly amazed at the sheer volume of young tourist groups gallivanting through the Mall as if they’ve never seen a Nordstrom’s, J.Crew or Juicy Couture before.  YOU HAVE A CITY FULL OF HISTORY RIGHT THERE!  Get your kids out of the mall.  I’m pretty sure they have one of those in Montana (although who knows).