Look, I don't pretend to be the best Catholic on the planet. But I think there's a few rules of church-going decorum that we can all agree on.
1. Put your cell phone on silent (or better yet, turn it off) before you ever enter the church.
This is quick, simple and easy. Do it on the way to church. No one wants to hear your "Baby Got Back" ringtone while they're trying to atone for their sins.
2. Do not, under any circumstances, take a call while in church.
You would think this is a rule a commonsense. But, as I learned this past Sunday, it apparently is not. I was sitting in church, waiting for Mass to begin when I heard behind me "Hello? Yes yes I'm a church [insert five more minutes of conversation here]." Our offender hung up right before the service began. While technically service had not begun, you're still in a house of worship and, at least in the Catholic faith, those moments before Mass are intended to be spent in prayer. Don't disturb everyone else.
3. Absolutely no texting in the pew.
You may think you're covert, but it's still disrespectful. Johnny B can wait until you get out of church to hear how you are still "ROFLing" about your antics at the bar.
4. Keep your children under control.
There's a theme with my posts. Look, there's a nursery in lots of churches. Use it. And if you don't have one, use this opportunity to teach your children the quiet game where the loser's house falls of Santa's map.
5. Ladies, cover your shoulders.
You're not at the club. You're not even at a garden party. Cover it up.
6. If you just wore it to cut the grass, don't wear it to church.
Yes, yes, yes I know some of you may say that "isn't it more important that I'm there?" And yes, the fact that you're there and trying is important. But it takes less than five minutes to change your clothes.
7. If you don't know the words, don't make up your own. Loudly.
I fully support attending other faith services to explore what the other communities are doing. But if you're unsure of the words (even though they're printed right there in that handy book in the pew), don't make up your own. It's distracting and, quite frankly, it makes me giggle.
8. DO NOT bolt after Communion!!
This may apply to only my Catholic readers, but look here. It is absolutely ridiculous to look around after Communion and notice that half of the people are gone. I love a good champagne brunch as much as the next girl and I can't wait to get there either. But I'm pretty sure those extra five minutes in church won't cause you to wither up and die of champagne withdrawal.
9. PDA is not OK.
Another real life story: I'm sitting in Mass one Sunday morning when a young couple sits in front of me. The man proceeds to caress (the word gives me chills just typing it) his fiance's (?) neck and back throughout the entire service. Add in lots of massaging, awkward nuzzling and a kiss of peace that last entirely too long and you have the makings for one uncomfortable morning. I get that you're in love, but behave!
10. If you know you're going to be late, cut your losses.
It happens to the best of us sometimes. Despite all of our type-A attempts to nail down our prep routines to the very minute, sometimes we take a little longer. If you're pre-Church prep (brava for prepping) took so long that you will actually be rolling in just as we're all about to receive Communion, cut your losses and come to the next Mass. Catholics have them on the hour all Sunday long. Salvation is just as good at the 10:00 mass as it is at the 9:00. While maybe that will cut into your afternoon wine, cheese and nap schedule, you'll avoid disturbing everyone else.
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